The incessant scrutiny of my persona.

My countenance, my gestures, body language, the way my jaw moves, the way I breathe. Even my eyebrows, I’m sure, are used to gauge my demeanor.

Have I snapped yet again? I can see the thought bubbles. I squirm.
“Is she in one of those places no one can pull her out of, regardless of how much love weaved rope is cast down to her?”

“How many of her egg shells have I shattered on the ground?”

It is such a discouraging place to be. This self inflicted, self loathing, scum covered petri dish.

I’ve never felt more aware of myself. I’m living life on the nanoscale of others. My sense of awareness has never been sharper or as insulting. I often picture myself screaming. Like in those old Ally McBeal clips where for a split second or two she could envision the most unconventional response or outburst. Punching her boss in the face when he asked her to do something. As the audience, you wondered if she had really done it, only to have the image cut back to her boss asking, “Ally, can you hear me?”  And then you’re left with the disappointment of knowing she just imagined the outburst in her head and then she conforms to doing what he asked her to do. Because that’s just what you’re “suppose” to do. Conform.

I scream. In the best, most silent and imaginative Ally McBeal fashion imaginable.

I’m not sure, whether to disappoint or surprise my onlookers.

Most of the time, I just freeze. But then I go from a self inflicted, self loathing, petri dish teeming with life - to a cold bath - and it’s no fun being that either.

There’s a season for everything.

Some seasons are warm, some cold.

Somehow, she loves me through all of them. My best and my worst.

When everything is said and done all I feel is her love pouring down on me.

She’s my favorite season of them all.

take me out tonight
where there’s music and there’s people
and they’re young and alive

driving in your car
i never never want to go home
because i haven’t got one anymore

take me out tonight
because i want to see people
and i want to see life

driving in your car
oh please don’t drop me home
because it’s not my home, it’s their home
and i’m welcome no more

and if a double-decker bus
crashes in to us
to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
and if a ten ton truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

take me out tonight
take me anywhere, i don’t care
i don’t care, i don’t care
and in the darkened underpass
i thought oh god, my chance has come at last
but then a strange fear gripped me
and i just couldn’t ask

take me out tonight
oh take me anywhere, i don’t care
i don’t care, i don’t care

driving in your car
i never never want to go home
because i haven’t got one
no, i haven’t got one

and if a double-decker bus
crashes in to us
to die by your side
is such a heavenly way to die
and if a ten ton truck
kills the both of us
to die by your side
well the pleasure, the privilege is mine

there is a light that never goes out
there is a light that never goes out
there is a light that never goes out
there is a light that never goes out

Here comes that old familiar sound again.

The deafening loudness of my solitude.

If failure has a sound, then I assure you I can play it perfectly.

I’m an expert in the field of letting people down.

I’m a master of hurting those I love.

I am nothing I ever wanted to be.

I am everything I wish I wasn’t.

Our Sundays together are usually quite low key. I love them.

Orion,

There you are again, unexpectedly looking in on me through the window as I lay in this unfamiliar room. Your many glows are a comforting sight in these new surroundings. You’re always the first one I see when I raise my eyes towards the winter, sunless sky. Is it insane that I find myself so enamored with you? It’s been 22 years since I first found you. I was 12 years old and you … many millions. I can’t imagine my sky without you. You are forever constant, forever comforting, forever mine.

Watch me through the night and yes, tell Seth we love him…miss him.

-Mars

… And wait til you see where I’m going. Life is better than great!

Pretty much my most favorite girl of all time in the history of ever ♥